How many of us allow penetration before we are really ready?
Ready meaning our bodies WANT IT, are deeply hungry for it, must have it immediately. Ready as in we’re so turned on we can’t wait one goddamn second longer.
How many of us have ever waited for that feeling?
How many of us know what fucking feels like when we’re ready for it?
Very few, I’d wager.
And why is that?
Because our beliefs about sex are centered on the experiences of people with penises. Cock-centric.
We equate the pleasure of male partners with our own.
And in doing so, we lock ourselves out of our own homes.
Imagine a world in which the word foreplay has no meaning - ‘fore what exactly, honey? - and in which porn has incredibly varied sexual scripts, often with no penis-in-vagina intercourse whatsoever. In which our most common word for female sexual anatomy is a word meaning “place of power” or “gates of glory” or “that which grasps” or “miraculous voluptuousness” or some such thing, rather than a word meaning “sheath”. In which women statistically describe “good sex” as an experiences of pleasure and turn-on and orgasm, rather than a description of sex that isn’t too painful. In which losing one’s virginity is, as Jessica Valenti suggested long ago, about a partner giving you an orgasm for the first time - or simply about you deciding that you have now had sex according to your own definitions. In which no one thinks anybody’s hymen means anything, because it actually, factually, fucking doesn’t.
Imagine a world with widely available, state-funded sex ed that includes frank discussions of female pleasure. IMAGINE.
It would be most helpful to us, the majority of humans on earth with vulvas, simply to make clear to everyone that bodies with vulvas do not have the same arc of arousal as bodies with penises. Because we DON’T.
The vast majority of bodies with vulvas do not come from penetration alone. For damn sure not the way we’re doing it.
This is not pathological. This is reality.
What IS pathological is the ease with which we pathologize female sexual bodies for doing as they do. Failing to recognize our epic capacity for earth-shaking pleasure. Failing to respond with anything less than awe.
And we, folks with vulvas, have internalized this BS. We don’t know our own superpowers.
The sexual script we are all handed upon coming of age is absurd and sad.
Absurd because it has no bearing on reality. Sad because we keep doing it anyways.
That there isn’t more curiosity on the parts of those we sleep with is reason enough to stop sleeping with them.
And the fact that we do this shit to ourselves is reason enough to take a LONG pause and consider why we keep ourselves in this particular corner.
Dig it: Our sex is FOR US. We owe no one our sexual servitude. Those days are gone and they are not coming back.
Learn your body’s desires & pleasures. Advocate for them. Be brave.
And, if you want to know what your body is truly capable of: wait for penetration until you’re really, really ready.